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RABBLE-ROUSER NORTHWESTERN UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF LAW GRADUATION © 2004 Jordan Margolis Jordan Margolis For those of you who have been following the Great Graduation Controversy, take heart, the SBA Committee for an Interesting Graduation has announced that a compromise plan has been agreed upon by the committee and the Administration. Yes Virginia, there will be a separate ceremony at Thorne Hall on May 20. Caps and gowns will be worn, each student's name will be announced, whereupon each student will walk across stage, shake hands with Dean Ruder and most importantly of all, each graduate will receive a scroll (symbolic( of a diploma. A commitment is sought by any student who is able to attend the Evanston ceremony on June 16. At no extra cost, each law student who gets committed can ear a hood (symbolic of the granting of a J.D. degree) and may receive, on stage, a diploma cover. Oh yes, diplomas will be distributed, eventually, sometime, after the ceremony. Now this compromise at first blush may appear to cover all areas of dispute, but I'm still not clear on a couple of points. I mean, just what is going to be rolled up in that scroll? Old Torts exams? A horse-racing scratch sheet? Old Playboy foldouts? And in which hand should this whatever it is be received? In the left? Right? Will it be handed out by the Dean or by someone else? This is essential for me to know because if it is going to be the Dean, my next question is whether it's going to be handed out before, after, or simultaneously with the handshake. If it's given before or after the handshake, there's no problem; I can use my right hand for both. But if I'm supposed to take the scroll-thingy in the same instant I'm yukking it up with 'ol Deano, then this will call for some preparation before the big day. I'll have to practice how to each out with my left hand in a half-closed, grasping fashion to snatch the scroll while extending my right hand, flashing my open palm for a hearty handshake from the Dean. If this controversy hasn't been decided yet, I hope it will be soon, because everyday wasted means a day less for me to practice, before a mirror, my tricky left hand over right crossover maneuver. In addition, the SBA announcement did not specify what type of handshake is appropriate. Will it be optional or must we use a traditional palm-squeeze handshake, employed most often in legal circles for (passing the buck(. Or is Dean Ruder prepared to let graduates grab his thumb in a (soul-shake( -- possibly even sliding into the deft fingertip-clasp follow-up? To prevent awkwardness on stage, those of you who intend to (get down( with the Dean at the graduation, please familiarize him with some jive-talking next time you see him in the halls Slap him five on the back hand side, or ask him (What it is, brother-Dean(. Come to think of it, I'm not absolutely sure that we'll be shaking hands with Dean Ruder, himself. Maybe he, too, will be replaced by a (symbol(. Possibly a handshaking machine similar to the automatic pitchers in the batting cages. Who knows how far this (symbol( stuff can go! And what about the inevitable Tassle-Hassle? There's no mention in the anannouncementhether, after the handshake, the tassle on the mortarboard is to be tossed from the left side of the cap to the right. This tradition symbolizes the culmination of an academic endeavor. Yet most law school graduates wish to practice law and, immediately after graduation, they'll be taking the bar exam. An argument could be made that since one more hurdle stands to be overcome, the tassle should not be flipped all the way over to the right side. But certainly graduation from law school deserves some tassle movement. Therefore, I suggest the tassle should be placed on the center of the face, hanging over the forehead, like a quail. This might very well symbolize (blind justice(. According to the compromise, the Thorne Hall ceremony will be followed by a champagne reception. Now, I'm not much of a connasewer -- I wouldn't now champagne from Mad Dog 20/20 -- but so far there's no word whether the champagne will be white or pink. This may not seem significant to many of you. But some people won't drink it if its not in the pink. Yet others won't go near such a pinko-drinko. To avoid any commotion at the reception, I suggest that the long stemmed glasses be filled with Miller High Life -- the champagne of bottled beer. And I'm still unclear about some things to occur at the Evanston ceremony. Not only will the law students wear caps, but, in addition, they'll wear a hood. Why a hood is symbolic of the legal profession, I don't know. I think a bandana covering the face might be more appropriate for some of the shysters turned out by law schools. And I don't know whether the hood is supposed to be worn over the mortarboard or under it. Kind of like the Flying Nun. This brings us to the most glaring ambiguity in the SBA's compromise announcement. (The Administration will require a commitment to attend the Evanston ceremony on June 16 from those students who are able to do so.( What the hell does that mean?! Who decides who are able to do so? Will Dean Ruder call us each into his Star Chamber and ask us to take loyalty oath to show up in Evanston? (Raise your right hand. Repeat after me: Yes Dean, I are able to do so.( And the SBA announcement didn't offer any hints on what type of excuses would be considered valid. For those of you who, for some unfathomable reason know only to yourselves, do not like to sit for five hours with twenty zillion sweaty strangers in caps and gowns (and sometimes hoods) just to hear your name NOT called; I'd like to suggest some possible excuses. (But Dean, I'd love to go to Evanston, it's just that I'm allergic to ivy.( Or this one: (Of course I want to graduate with all my fellow Northwesterners, but on June 15, I'm scheduled for open heart surgery, a kidney transplant, and a frontal lobotomy; and the doctor says I'll need at least two days to recover( Or blame it on your parents: (Dean, it's like this, my dad's kinda bigotted and he won't set foot in a north shore suburb called Evanstein.( CAVEAT: If my excuses work, then you won't receive the diploma cover that will be given on stage at the Evanston ceremony. So remember, if you decide not to go, you'll be forced to hang your diploma on your office wall, without a cover, and everybody will see it. All these yet unsolved, potentially disastrous, wrinkles in the Great Graduation Compromise lead me to submit my own graduation proposal. Margo, I mean Ergo, I propose that all the law schools in Chicago hold a joint-graduation at the Amphitheatre. Graduates could wear teeth and caps, gowns and nighties, and any lingerie befitting the occasion (black lace optional). Tassels may be worn on any part of the anatomy, and may be flipped, tossed or spun around in any direction. (Sunna Cum Laudle will be given to anyone who can twirl two tassels at the same time in opposite directions.) All graduates will shout their own names simultaneously; roller skate across stage (symbolizing that the wheels of justice are spinning smoothly), slap the hands and tushies of the Law School Deans (lined up like basketball starters), and receive chocolate diplomas (symbolizing the sweet life to come). The reception will be in the Lake Shore Center swimming pool, which will be filled with Everclear. The guest speaker will be provided a snorkel. Parents of the graduates will receive suckers (symbolic of their contributions to law schools). If you like my proposal, tear off this page of the Pleader, roll it up in the shape of a scroll, take it to the Evanston graduation and use it as a pea-shooter to keep your peers awake during the ceremony. PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION |
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