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HUMORIST SECRET MINUTES FROM THE JRC BUILDING TASK FORCE 11-01-00 © 2004 Jordan Margolis The meeting was called to order by Chairman Bruce Kaskel exactly on schedule at 7:30pm. Since I was 30 seconds late, on entry I immediately learned that I had been nominated and elected Secretary. The rest of the meeting was a bit of a blur to me, due to reasons that will soon become obvious, so these Minutes may not be precisely accurate. Chairman Kaskel is an architect and, as such, required us to wear hardhats during the meeting. I borrowed mine from a big client (a construction worker) whose head is much larger than mine, so the darn thing kept falling down over my eyes as I tried to take notes. The fact that Bruce kept pushing me off his lap didn't make things any easier. At the outset of the meeting, we recited some mystical architectural invocation that sounded like, "If you build it, they will come." (Like any lawyer would, I did some research afterward and learned that this phrase is not originally from the movie Field of Dreams but, rather, is inscribed in Latin over the main entrance to the Playboy Mansion.) Next, Ralph Segal, another architect, held up two rolled blueprints which were held together with a ribbon, much like a Torah. He announced that these were the original drawings from Mikdosh El Hagro and the JRC modification plans. We all stood and faced the ark (the meeting was in the Chapel) and learned the secret Mason handshake (which I cannot reveal on risk of inheriting the ancient Mason curse of a lifetime of tuckpointing problems and roofing leaks at my own home). The plans were then placed on the drafting table, which replaced the Torah stand, and Howard Ellegant, yes of course another architect, used a Yad to point to his own handwritten comments on the modification plans from his days as a JRC Housekateer. We all said "Amen" and we got down to business. Well, kind of. Ken Ross, President of JRC, rushed into the meeting to remind us of our Mission. We weren't supposed to scare anybody or start rumors that JRC is buying someplace, or building a new synagogue, blah, blah, blah... but eventually Ken said something about getting some ideas from the Task Force about a kitchen expansion project that his wife, Terese, was hocking him a chinek about. The ensuing discussion heated up intensely over "marble" versus "granite" countertops (something I'm sure Rabbi Hillel and Sharnai debated without recording in the Tairnud). Voices grew so loud that Rabbi Rosen came in to see what was causing such a commotion. Or so I thought, until he replaced the JRC blueprint scrolls with his own home improvement sketch and asked; "Nu, so would you put the new Jacuzzi next to the waterfall shower or build a larger circular blocked-glass area?" After a brief period of reflection, (actually, Bryna checked to see how much was left in The Rabbi's Discretionary Fund) we tabled (another Parliamentarian procedure with architectural underpinnings) the discussion until the next double B'nai Mitzvah donations could be added up. Finally, we started to address the needs we'd been appointed to consider - our stomachs. It was already 8:45 and we hadn't been provided with any food at all, just some decaf coffee and a rather paltry selection of generic tea bags (Bryna saves the exotic blends in the wooden box for the muckety-mucks at the Board meetings). Fifteen minutes later, after a preliminary looksie at the JRC by-laws revealed that food is only to be provided for a committee but not a task force, we reluctantly gave up any expectation for the minimal perks of macherhood. We resigned ourselves to the fact that we were being used for our minds. Well, not all of our minds. All I know about square footage is that it costs a hell of a lot for a law office in downtown Chicago. But there I was anyway, with nothing to contribute but my note-taking skills forged from 7 years of higher education, (except the part about the secretary sitting on someone's lap - that I learned out in practice, until the phrase "hostile work environment" was created; probably by some architect). By then it was 9:30 and the meeting mercifully adjourned. As we filed out the door, everybody shook hands and slapped each other on the back to congratulate ourselves on -a productive first meeting. On reflection later, I realized that this must have been when Bruce palmed me the following order: 2 Chocolate Frosted I White Long John 3 Boston Creme I Apple Fritter (or a Coffee Roll if they don't have Apple Fritter) and 1 Mocha Blast I was looking forward to the next meeting, contented to know that I had really been accepted as the Secretary. Respectfully submitted, Jordan Margolis Secretary of the Building Task Force PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION |
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