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HUMORIST JRC REACHES FOR THE STARS © 2004 Jordan Margolis by JRC Cub Reporter, Jordan Margolis JRC President Carole Caplan certainly has "That Vision Thing." Not to be outdone by the Building Task Force or U.S. President George Bush, Ms. Caplan is announcing that JRC shall be the first Reconstructionist Shul on Mars. "As the fastest growing Jewish Movement in America, Reconstructionists think outside the box. We are destined to be more than an American alternative for Jews, we should be looking globally and beyond; we should be the universal alternative." When asked whether she is aware of any specific evidence of a Jewish presence on Mars, President Caplan smirked and retorted, "If in fact, there was ever water, then there was a beach, and if there was a beach, there were definitely Jews!" JRC Finance Vice President, David Pinzur, was cautiously supportive of the president's new plan. "OK, obviously we've already exceeded our expectations on the congregation's generous responses to the new building campaign. Timing is everything, in real estate as well as religion. And since we're still in the design phase, we can tweak our architectural blueprints to include an observatory on the new sky roof. Sure we'll have to crunch the numbers a bit, but isn't space colonization worth dropping a class or two?" "I think we're getting ahead of ourselves," added so-past-president-nobody-remembers Ken Ross. "Why don't we let the Conservatives go first, turn everybody off, and they'll pay our solar travel expense." When asked for a comment on the subject, Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon warmed to the mission. "I don't know what Reconstructionism is but if it includes constructing barriers on Mars to protect Jewish settlements, I support it." Not surprisingly, Palestinian Authority Prime Minister Ahmad Quiera criticized the plan. "This is just another land grab by the Jews. Mars has always been the fourth holiest place for our people." No JRC Board Members at Large would speak on the record, but on the condition that their remarks would be kept confidential so that they could remain so far below the radar of the Nominating Committee that they would be bypassed for re-appointment, all 11 of them admitted that President Caplan's idea was "interesting." When asked whether the distance from Earth would pose a problem for Martian JRC members, Information Vice President Freddi Greenberg could not be located for comment. PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION |
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