DEAR MR. MARGOLIS
© 2004 Jordan Margolis
Dear Mr. Margolis: Help me, please.
You know me. Everybody knows me and what I did. But I come to you, as a Jew, for sanctuary. I've heard marvelous things about JRC, and the Web Site included the fact that you even have a special Sanctuary Committee. That's just what I need. I'm Monica Lewinsky. The PRESS hound my every move on both coasts, so I'm thinking of relocating in the saner Midwest. Would you grant me sanctuary at JRC?
(P.S.) Are you related to any Margolis' in L.A.?
(P.P.S.) I really enjoy delivering bagel boxes, if that helps.
You're right, I do believe I've heard your name come up a couple of times the past year. However, I must correct your misconception of the JRC Sanctuary Committee. To date, we have not offered political amnesty to victims of celebrity opPRESSion, but I'll be happy to forward your request. (And not because I do actually have cousins in California, though they're not named Margolis.) As you have intuitively surmised, JRC is a house of healing. I remember losing a memberpoor word choicea celebrity Rabbi, that is, to California; so there would be a sense of balance for you to join JRC.
I should warn you that Evanston, although known for being progressive and liberal, does have its share of old fashioned values. For example, feel free to wear your Beret instead of a Kipah, but thong tsitsit are no-nos. Also, don't plan on wearing the blue dress to High Holiday services, not because it's from the Gap ( this isn't Highland Park) it just wouldn't seem ... Jewish. There, I said it. Sorry, you sought us out for support and I'm moralizing. So let me get this out of my system, once and for all, on behalf of the whole congregation, "Feh". ( I always feel better after I say "Feh".)
Now, Monica, you'll be welcome at JRC. Just be a good Jew, and stay away from our President; she's happily married! Happy Chanukah, Monica.
Jordan Margolis, Membership
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