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HUMORIST MY DEAR SIR © 2004 Jordan Margolis My dear Sir: We have had quite enough of your so-called Muse-letters! You seem to forget that this is a Synagogue newsletter, not some subversive paper from the underground. Weren't you ever spanked as a child? Where did you get these far-out notions anyway? Are you some neo-commie creepo? Why can't you talk about babies being born, degrees diligently doled, and enjoyable events? What's wrong with you? Don't you realize that Jews outside JRC read our newsletter? Aren't you ashamed of what they must think about us? Well, we are. That's why we engaged several of our very own JRC professional therapists to analyze you, for your own good. After much consideration and discussion, it is the opinion of our committee that you should be impeached as Chairman of Membership. You need help. Please resign gracefully and save the congregation from the ugly process ahead. (Some day you'll thank us.) Very truly yours, I.M. Wright Social Acceptability Committee Dear Tongue-clickers: What would we do without you? Sure, let's reconstruct JRC back to conformity. Why can't we be just like all the other places we've wanted to forget? OK, here goes. Here's a smattering of imaginary membership news: Donations for the new swimming pool are lower than expected, so the deep end will only have 2 feet of water; The student pranksters who rang the school bell early will be punished by performing their bar mitzvah service twice; The sisterhood has been sued by the Anti-Defamation League for excluding brothers. Lox boxes must be certified as dolphin safe by the Union of Rabbis named Fish. Audiotapes of Rabbinical sermons are available in the office. (But, remember, they are not to be played while driving.) JRC-ya, Jordan Margolis, Membership PRINTER FRIENDLY VERSION |
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